Schmidlap N' Assoc. Kures, Elixirs, Ointments, for Longevity

[Ater Nox and the Sundance Kid]

Step right up, Ladies and Gentlement, Boys and Girls! Shield your eyes, for what you are about to witness is the closest thing to a bottled miracle that any of you fine folk will ever see here on this side of the Rocky Mountains.



Me and my partner TheDeadWest here are proud to present to you

Schmidlap N' Associates Kure-alls, Elixirs, Ointments, for Ills and Longevity.



If there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that we have a Kure™ for any ailment you might have, A for alopecia through ZZZ for sleep apnea.



But why stop there? Your six shooter looking a bit rusty? Horse galloping a little slow? We've got just the thing for you partner, and at never to be seen again low, low, prices!

[Ater Nox and the Sundance Kid]

Now, do any of you fine folk have any maladies or ailments that our mutual friend Doc Schmidlap might assist you with?

[TheDeadWest]

*Raises hand, obviously wearing a fake moustache* "Yes, Sir, I a person you have never met in your life and who has never heard of the Wonderful curative abilities of every poultice, ointments, ligament oil, and panaceas of the world famous Doc Schmidlap am very sickly" *lets out a fake cough* "I have tuberculosis of the intestines, a balding problem, and a Graboid infestation."

[Ater Nox and the Sundance Kid]

Why hello there sir, a pleasure to meet you for the first time. *tips hat* Now, I have a little something that might help you.



Tuberculosis of the intestines? Why, that is the very thing the very world famous Doc Schmidlap was trying to cure when he invented Doc Schmidlap's 100% Pure, Gen-u-ine, Snake Free, Miracle Cure-All Elixir. Take three sips a day and your intestinal organs will be 100% Kure'd of any type of -culosis.

As for that balding spot, not that any ladies would notice it, but before they do try rubbing a teaspoon of Doc Schmidlap's 100% Pure, Gen-u-ine, Snake Free, Miracle Cure-All Elixir on it every noon and midnight until it clears up.

And as for those nasty Graboids, I can guarantee (in a non-legally binding manner) that a dose of three of Doc Schmidlap's Wondrous Elixir will but you in the perfect fighting spirit to take care of those nasty beasts!

Here, give it a try sir!

[TheDeadWest]

*tapes a sip painfully and tries not to twist his face up at the taste* "Well mash my liver and call me Pâté! Not only do I already feel less bald, but that tastes like blueberry pie! I can even feel my 'Burculosis moving out of my 'testines and into my lungs right where it should be! And look at this" *holds up 2 dead graboids* "Deader than my marriage they are! I can't believe it works this quick! Is that why this medicine and the world renown, everyone knows his name, Doctor Schmidlap that I've never heard of until a little while ago has received commendations from not only the Fort Triumph Academy of Arts and Medicine but also the Surgeon General, which I would not know about since I have never head of this amazing elixir before?

[Ater Nox and the Sundance Kid]

Well Ladies and Gentlemen, you can't get much more scientific than that!

If you want to kill a bunch of Graboids, what you need is Doc Schmidlap's 100% Pure, Gen-u-ine, Snake Free, Miracle Cure-All Elixir, now only $100 a bottle, or buy eight for the price of 'ten if we were having a 50% off sale'.

[TheDeadWest]

"I as a plant random denizen completely without any business relationship to this endeavor will buy 8!"

[Benevolent Thomas]

I'll buy!

[TheDeadWest]

*stealthily removes fake mustache* "Ahhh another Customer!If you just transfer the 100 dollar via a donation to my compatriot Ater Nox you should be receiving the very vile vial Kure-All as soon as he comes out from the back of the tent again and remember the guarantee! "Doc Schmidlap's Guarantee is that it's guaranteed to work so well a guarantee isn't not legally necessary so don't expect one!"

[Nachtzylvania]

*Comes out dressed as a frail old woman*

Now hold on just a minute! I COUGH took some HACK of that AGH stuff! And it gave me cancer of the lung! Further more, it caused my husband to leave me for not another woman, but for another man! And, when I ordered it to my house, the delivery carriage ran over my dog! I don't know why anyone would purchase this stuff, when they could buy the NEW Dr. Guul's Non-Snake Free Oil, for only the measly price of $80! That oil is guaranteed to cure all of your ailments, and even give you the ability to seduce anyone you wish!

*Jumps into a bush, and then reappears as Dr. Guul*

Yes, that's right! For only $80 you too can have good looks, good health, and good spirits! And unlike that quack, Shmidlap, I guarantee that if this oil doesn't work, I will shoot you dead! Now then, any takers?

[Nachtzylvania]

*Goes into a bar and comes out dressed as a dying old man*

I will take 10 bottles!

*Takes a swig, and then goes back into the bar*

*Comes out yet again, this time looking young and healthy*

Why! That stuff works! And for such a bargain! Thanks Dr. Guul!

[TheDeadWest]

*takes a swig of Doc Smchmidlap's Palatable Panacea for a Plethora of Plagues* Sorry I needed to something to stop from me dying...laughing at the mere assertion that Dr. Gull a tinker of tinctures at best is even in the same league as Doc Schmidlap! A man who's mere medicine can heal any disease! What do you think everyone has been giving after the vicious Graboid attack to heal? Doc Schmidlap's Recipe Enlivening Tonic Ready Engestible for Any Time or as we've been calling it "R.E.T.R.E.A.T" That right you dare accuse ours of harming you when in fact it's saved everyone from death, while his Anti Graboid cream is also guaranteed to help you hit more often. Don't just take my word for it but ask this lovely person over here Ater Nox and the Sundance Kid .

[Nachtzylvania]

Retreating? Your awkward mixture of urine and onions that you call "medicine" would require you to retreat! With Dr. Guul's Non-Snake Free Oil you can heal without retreating!

[TheDeadWest]

No no. See obviously Dr. Guul can't understand the genius of Doc Schmidlaps R.E.T.R.E.A.T that's the name you can either Attack the beast or heal with R.E.T.R.E.A.T. it's a healing poultice not running away. One that You've been enjoying actually during the Graboid fight. So you're welcome.

[Nachtzylvania]

Actually, I have been enjoying Dr. Guul's patented Run-Away Graboid-Away, which is much more effective then your pigeon guts and tomato soup!